Right, let's talk about Harley Davidsons.

I just read through a whole bunch of inane posts about Harley Davidsons.

Internet warrior syndrome be damned - if the initial poster is right, which I don't think he is, he kicked over and punched some holes in the gas tank of a Harley some fuckwitted RUB fresh out of the dealership after seeing Wild Hawgs was gunning at 2 am in front of his apartment.

The following and inevitable pissing match ensued, which I've seen before and I'll see again.

Let me recap my feelings on the subject.

There is no such thing as the Grand Unifying Motorcycle. Just as how one could never produce an all-purpose, one-size-fits-all car, though Detroit seems to be convinced that what we want are variants on the same boring blobby theme. Some people want a sports car, others want and need a minivan. Likewise, someone who wants and needs a BMW 1100RT isn't gonna ditch it for a Sportster.

Iffen you wanna play by the Cool Kids (TM) rules, you're gonna lose anyway. The guy who rides his Japanese sport bike to wing night at Rubbie's hot dog and cola emporium is gonna be told he needs a "hog". If he listens, he'll be told when he rides back on his XL that a Sportster isn't a REAL Harley. Then, when he comes back with a full dresser FL, he'll be told that stockers aren't cool, choppers are. So he'll ditch the bike for a custom, and be told that Choppers were last year, it's bobbers that are cool now. And when he hits up Suckerpunch Sally's for the bobber, and rides triumphantly to the bar, everyone will tell him American bikes were so last year, streetfighters - chopped up Japanese sport bikes - are the hip thing now.

I have more respect for a guy driving a Yamaha XS650 in December in the driving rain than I do a guy on a Road King who won't take it out unless it's perfectly sunny, it's 85F, and he can ride to the dealership with his "H.O.G." "colours" on after he's finished mowing the lawn to his wife's satisfaction.

A Honda Valkyrie has more US based content on it than many Harleys. Check out various parts on your new Twin Cam - Made in Japan. But then again, some people rave about the new Twin Cams and they aren't having any problems selling them. If you're in that camp, more power to you.

Now, that being said, I DO in fact ride a Harley. An antique one. One that you either think is retro cool or NOT a real Harley cause it was made in conjunction with a bowling pin company. Either way, it's my ride, I dig it, and yeah, I've had to take the engine completely apart over various sessions. A stator, some rocker box problems and an oil pump going south that required me to check out whether there was any metal in the gears meant that I have done everything short of splitting the cases, truing flywheels, and honing my own cylinders.

I've turned a LOT of the bolts on that bike.

And yeah, I had WAY more problems with this than with ANY other motorcycle. But then again, I've found out that the whole trip has taught me a lot more than I could have learned if I'd only ever thumbed the starter and put the bike into the dealer's for an oil change.

And I love it. I love cruisers. I love cruising. Seventy miles an hour is top speed for me, and even then only occasionally. I like scenery and time and road ahead in which to stop if need be. A pushrod-driven American V-Twin with hemi pistons sounds and feels right to me. Lotsa torque and just a great ride. For MY tastes. I like the feel of wind in my beard, rain on my face, sun beating down on my arms and the sounds and smells of the environment around me. I know the dude in the Escalade next to me is smoking weed. I drive every day past a candy factory and get the scents of confectionery nobody else does.

I've ridden a sport bike. Damn fast machines, damn cool machines, but not me. Not my style of riding, not my style of bike. Very manoeverable, quick pickup, and tons of top end horsepower. But that's not where I ride. Also covered in plastic parts that can snap in various places and fall off. There's tons of antique Japanese motorcycles out there. Find one with side covers if you can. Most of em fell apart long ago. But then again, I used to own a Honda Magna and I rode the SHIT out of it. Very underappreciated piece of motorcycle, that one.

I also know who my friends are, GREAT bunch of guys, and who I owe a tow truck ride to when I get my own JBT (Junk Biker Truck) post-divorce. And there will be no question I'll help fellow riders out.

No matter what they ride.

I, at one point, rode a chopped Kawasaki Vulcan. Nice bike. Dependable, steep rake, good throaty roar. At a gas station someone in a truck asked me if it was a "Wanna be Harley". I said no, it was a "Wanna be Indian" (the Kawasaki engineers designed the Vulcan after what they thought Indian would have looked like today if it had stayed in business). He said, amongst other things, if it was an Indian, he'd eat his hat. In response to the "other things" I told him to fuck off. Then he asked me if I had any money to spare to help him fill up his Dodge Ram. I told him doubly to fuck off. I'm sick of people who don't ride telling me what I should ride, either way. Buy a bike or shut the fuck up. Vote with your actual ride, not your two cents nobody fucking asked for.

I'm not and never have made a fucking fashion statement with my vehicle. I don't ride because I wanna be seen as an outlaw or a badass, but let me tell you, having walked out of a hospital the night after being unavoidably smashed into construction debris by a careless driver tells me it takes a lot to keep me down, and I'm physically tougher than I thought. Riding a bike (or NOT riding a bike, as the case may be) doesn't make you Speed Racer, Paul Teutul, a hard fighting bad ass, or a patriot. It also doesn't give you the right to be judgmental or act like an asshole. The guy on the Honda Shadow might have crashed his bike or lost it in a divorce and be saving for another Harley. Or he might happen to prefer the Honda Shadow, what's it to YOU if he does? Are you so insecure in your own life you have to shit on random passersby about what they're doing with their lives? If I wanted to go that route I'd join the Republican party. Likewise, don't tell me how awesome your Hayabusa is and how antiquated the technology is in a Harley, and how "underpowered" it is. Harley makes what it makes and people keep buying it because they dig how it drives. Period. The engine I have pulls like a motherfucker even when it's barely ticking over, which I can't say about the alloy and overhead cam wonder you're on. Here's a quarter, go call someone who gives a fuck. Rather than tell me how much bigger your balls are than mine, go ride away as FAST as you can on one wheel. I ride like I fuck. Not in any rush and enjoying the journey as much as the destination.

Every crowd has its poseurs, its solid dependable guys, its Johnny come latelys and its diehards. Judge the guy on the motorcycle once you've spent some time in his company.

I like American V-Twin cruisers. I like the people that ride them, from the bikers and lawyers to the unwashed scooter trash. I like charity runs, wing nights, wet T-shirt contests, swap meets, long rides, whiskey, blues, and lending each other parts.

I'm not saying I don't like the guy in the bleach blonde hair and the dayglo leathers on the Hayabusa, I'm saying it's not my scene. Alton Brown motors everywhere on a BMW and more power to him, and I have to say, though I don't share his taste in bikes or fashion, Alton is cool. Plus, dude's ridden cross country. Not many chest-thumpers can claim that.

In short - yeah Harleys are cool. But not everyone who rides a Harley is cool. I mean, look at Dan "hey, I play the harp" Aykroyd for Christ's sake. Actually, I kid. Dan was commuting from Toronto to Chicago on a Harley while I was still swimming around in my father's balls, so he's OK in my book. But you get my drift, right? And I've met some seriously awesome sportbike riders who can't ride anything else because they drive on the edge with flawless racer technique and just can't find that type of machine made in America. It's cool too. But it's not my cool.

Judge a guy based on his or her possessions and you're no better than a gold digging airhead.